I thought when the decision was made to move to Saint Louis, I would die! To me, it was the final end to a deep secret battle I was waging with myself on the inside!
With this move, I lost every friend I thought I had for the last 25 years.
So many things were said to me I started to list them, but that is not what I’m writing about.
The day I left, I walked out of the room alone, no one said goodbye. No one noticed it was my last day. My daughter and grandson walked with me to my car, I looked back and smiled. No one really knew how bad I was hurting. I put up a good front! It took a few months to get to a point of understanding!
You can’t blame people for expressing how they feel, what they think.
But it can rock your world and we really need to THINK before we speak!
but we also need to speak before we lose the chance to ever speak again!
Six years ago an event happened in my life that literally took my breath away I did what I did the best! I used my camera to shield me from emotion and dealing with the loss of someone so very special to me!
This post is very different from most that I write but it’s a tribute to a very special person that I’ve never been able to express the depth of his loss in my life!
I was honored and privileged to capture the last year of his life. His last walk to public speaking and his last celebration of his wife’s birthday! It was an honor!
Was he perfect? Far from it! Was he gifted, very! He gave me the most unconventional advice THAT WORKED!
His death destroyed a community, tore people apart and sent many people on a far off journey!
I’ve never seen nor experienced the things I did that first year after he died.
One night I woke up to write these words:
I’m not so convinced he screwed up as was said but, his death released a cord that he held onto that held everything and everyone close to him tightly together. When that cord was loosed all hell was unraveled.
I remember long LONG walks talking, examine every angle, every passage, every way. The what ifs. But in the end, none of that mattered. No matter what we prayed, how we tried, his death spurred a ripping and a tearing that may never be repairable. THAT is up to people and generally people are far better at fueling a fire then quenching it!
So, I live in Saint Louis now! Is life perfect? No! But, a whole new world has opened up to me.
My husband found a church and it’s an amazing place of healing and learning! It’s a place of growing and I’m surrounded by people more amazing then I’ve ever known. I said I’d never make new friends, but I have. 
I’ve since returned home and had a chance to talk to someone and even when I spoke the word I thought was…. FREEDOM! You know, I’m not a part of the battle anymore and I hope both sides do excellent with what they have and from deep inside I felt chains fall off my chest.
See, I needed to move! I needed to break free. For “ME” It was not about abandoning, it was not about running, it was about finding something I’d lost!
Nov. 13th, 2003 Numbness evoked my being.
Staying where I was, this day would have never come. A day to look back and be thankful and a day to be able to express my love and gratitude.
I just told a friend! Things are going to be different now: Passion/Emotion/Depth/Feeling/Expression!
There’s a depth to my soul that died that day. I used to see so much in small things and that went away. I used to look at things in a manner so deep, so revealing and I needed to get me back!
I needed to be removed from my friends of 25 years. I needed to be separeted from my daughter and best friend. I needed to be put in a place where no one knew me and in a sense lost, except to my own self
and I needed to find myself again.
In the past year, i’ve made a ton of mistakes. In everything there is a spiritual and a natural course and it’s a choice to know which way you should go. You don’t need to pray about it, you just need to know what to do. You need to know who you are, and there is nothing wrong with natural choices. It depends on where you are, who you are. God will meet you, where ever you go, if you look for him.
We need to be so aware of what is going on around us and not separating ourselves to the point of missing someone that really needs our attention.
Casting someone off because they don’t conform to what we believe, dress the way we dress or act the way we feel they should act.
We need to take a good look around us and stop being the center of attention and see who needs our attention!
This video is a great example!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qb2C6YHY2Po
This is the same video that floored me..and brought me back to where I need to be!
The title to this post is from another video by Joe Nichols (you can look it up) The Impossible.
The man I lost in 2003 took me on 3 tours to Israel. I remember joking… “this plane will never go down, he’s on it” Imagine my feelings on the day he died! I’ve not been back to Israel, but it’s about time to take that tour again!
So for me, Somethng I was never able to do!
Thank you Rev. Stanley W. Scott for everything you did for me! I appreciate you and miss you! I can’t tell you how often I’ve said “I wish you were here” You did a great job in raising up the people who are now raising people up!
In all your weaknesses and short comings YOU were an incredible man and in the end, my friend you were more of a hero then anyone I know!
I miss our “real” talks and getting to know you in a way others never did!
Thank you!
This was his vision....
This was the last picture I took of him
